I've noticed that there are some sayings that can easily end a normal conversation, and immediately make the atmosphere incredibly awkward. Here are a few:
" So I asked: Its contagious? "Really contagious" my doctor tells me."
"So I stopped taking my medication today, and I swear I'll strangle anyone who brings up homicidal tendencies."
"Have you ever looked at your hands? like, Really looked at your hands?"
Feel free to post any of these you may have. I will see how many I can find over the next couple of weeks.
{EDIT} I already found some more.
"And the weird thing is the gerbil was still alive."
"So we removed her face from the exit sign and told her 'that's the last time you ride a llama.'"
"And the zookeeper said 'I've never seen that one before.'"
"I didn't think you could use a basketball like that."
"So I said 'Dad! Get out of that leather corset. Mom will be home soon!'"
"So there I was with a pot-bellied pig and a flaming trident. I didn't know what to do."
"How it got there I just don't know."
"And the goldfish could yodel."
"So I said to the guy 'are you sure this is beef?'"
"And the best part was the hobo finally got something to eat."
"So I asked the guy 'where's it stuck this time?'"
"So I said 'we have two options. The grease or the chainsaw.'"
"And she walked out of Denny's with a six-foot plastic tree."
"For some reason it was lumpy!"
"Her face was maimed by the cotton gin."
"Hit by a shuttle bus."
"Trampled by a gaggle of geese."
"But the doctor said I shouldn't worry."
"She was beaten to death by a wheel of cheese. How ironic."
"So she said 'Ooo, chicken nugget.'"
"There I was in a pool of my own urine, holding the door to a Buick."
"And when I woke up, the couch was completely saturated."
"Don't ask me how it fell out the window."
"I didn't know the keg would land on her."
"And the bear was driving!"
"I was removing the stain for a week!"
"So I said 'Larry, put the lion in the closet! My mom's going to be home in ten minutes!'"
"She said she was 18!"
"And there I was with my entire leg in the cow."
"So there I was, no pants, and my face in a pile of dung."
"So it turns out he was a leper."
"Yeah I'd eat it if it fell on me."
"So then my mom walked in on me. It was really awkward."
"So there he was with a jar of chunky peanut butter and his dog."
"And so she said 'Oh balls, it won't come off.'"
"I didn't mean to hit her in the eye. The phone rang. It startled me."
"So then he rolled over and said 'Luck of the Irish to you.'"
"I didn't know nuns were allowed to do that."
"He walked fine. And the truth is he only had one leg."
"And that's how I learned some things don't belong in a pencil sharpener."
"I didn't know it was illegal."
"And she said 'if you had only waited an hour.'"
"So there I was, standing with my hamster strapped to a bottle rocket."
"Who knew possum teeth were that sharp?"
"And the racoon took a chunk out of his face!"
"How was I supposed to know swedish fish were made in New Jersey?"
"So they turned him into a giant robot that eats Cuban children."
"So it turns out the human stomach can only hold 3.9 gallons of fluid."
"So now I always keep a tube of superglue solvent in my underwear drawer."
"It turns out Officer Callahan is allergic to donuts."
"That's why you shouldn't let a leper borrow your watch."
"I didn't know chinchillas ate cotton."
"Boy was she surprised when I climbed out of the trunk."
"Let's jusy say it wasn't a cough drop."
"Tinfoil was a bad idea."
"*expletive deleted* Swedes."
"After a huge sneeze, the bottle was embedded in his lung."
" So I got it in my mouth, but it just came back out."
"It got bigger and wider and then it just stopped."
"But his left eye was pulsating!"
"It was bat rape!"
"After that, I needed new pants."
"So he got whacked in the face with a dildo."
"I'm not touching it!"
"I've been playing with miles and miles of hose!"
"I'd do Batman."
"There I was, tied to a bed."
Conversation enders.
#1
"Steal from one and you are a thief. Steal from all and you are the government"
