Noob/newb guide

A. INTRO

I. What is this?
II. Defining 'Noob'

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish
II. Where to find noobs
III. Behaviour of noobs
IV. Noob religion
V. More about noob habitats

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one
II. Major noob avoiding strategies

D. Spam

I. What is it?
II. Mindless spam
III. Accepted spam
IV. Reminders
V. Signature spam

A. INTRO

I. What is this?

This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating noobs.

II. Defining 'Noob'

Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage. Noobs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed. Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.

* Usually the topic at hand on an internet forum.

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B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish

Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as noobish. It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.

stFU /\/\an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b

Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our intelligent accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.

II. Where to find noobs

On the internet, noobs make their colonies on forums. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger colonies.

Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers. Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one of these at any point, but the larger the amount of noobs, the more chance pointless spammers will appear.

Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere the focus is on learning or discussing something specific.

III. Behaviour of noobs

Since noobs are basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The most often seen characteristic is their fluency in noobish, which is why it got its own section. They will also be very self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite aggressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid succession (the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard).

It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defence, and they often attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.

Noobs have difficulty reading English and cannot comprehend the idea of authority.

Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them (or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably not a noob. If they react by insulting everything around them in rapid noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because they are a noob and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is happening.

IV. Noob religion

Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat like calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with their religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a noob uprising, which can turn a forum to mush in less than a week.

V. More about noob habitats

Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish.

They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to its homepage. Simple as that.

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one

Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they haven't already.
English (T4lk)-
Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take one of the many available online quizzes to check your noobancy.

Noobish (133713371337)- Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz your b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

II. Major noob avoiding strategies

The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs find it.

Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to become part of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often hard to do so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that normal people can have a nice time without noob infestations.

D. Spam

I. What is it?

Spam, what is it? It’s not that fake meat that plagues my nightmare about one product grocery stores. But it is just as bad. It is the useless filler and mindless blabber of many. It is often something retained when noobs cross over into non-noobs, sometimes leeching onto the subconscious and attempts to surface repeatedly. There are a couple different kinds of spam. There is mindless annoying spam. And there is funny productive spam. You may ask what the difference is... I will tell you.

II. Mindless Spam

Mindless annoying spam is often a product of noobs. They feel the need to post as much as possible and in the process they forget to add anything of real substance. This often leads to flaming, or attacks of the noob by non-noobs. Some examples of this would be: “I put Christmas lights up in my room today. They are pretty.” this type of spam clogs bandwidth and aggravates the regular users of the boards to no end. For the most part the moderator will close and delete the topic, hopefully before it can blossom into a full nesting ground for more noobs.

III. 'Accepted' Spam
Funny productive spam, while not entirely legal, is generally more accepted. This is for the most part products of non-noobs, and actually is an enjoyable, and humourous to conversation to take part in, with a touch of intelligence thrown in. An example of this could be someone is at a public location and humourous events are taking place, and this user is relaying them to the thread for the enjoyment of others. This is obviously not the only form of ‘accepted’ spam but it is the first example that came to mind.

IV. Reminders

During your stay here on these boards it is recommended that you keep your spamming to a minimum or else your stay will not be very pleasant. People of the boards can quickly turn on you if you anger them by useless spamming. Remember don’t be a n00b, be a newb, if you make a mistake, apologise and don’t do it again. Remember spam is bad... just think of the nasty meat stuff people sell... and if you want further inspiration, I will describe my spam dream to you... trust me, it’s not pretty.

V. Signature Spam

Another topic that has come up during my travels of the internet is signature spam. This is made up of overlarge signatures that are ten times longer than the post itself, or cause a reader to have to scroll endlessly to reach the next post. The signature itself consists of over-sized multicoloured letters and pictures. While this does not offend everybody, there are people who become aggravated at these signatures that cause the thread page to be much longer than it should be, a signature should be just that, a signature. A little (possibly humourous) blurb at the end of your post, such as a quote or two, possibly including a small banner. While this tends to be accepted in some forums, in others it in not only frowned upon it is illegal. So remember, be considerate for your fellow members, and keep signatures to a respectable size.

BBC wrote: Flaming and trolling are two linked terms that refer to types of behaviour on the Internet, and most notably derive from Usenet and BBS (bulletin board systems) systems. This type of behaviour is still fairly common in IRC (Internet Relay Chat) and at sites such as Slashdot.org.

Flaming

The term 'flaming' is defined slightly differently depending on which site you're on, but generally it means the same thing wherever you go. h2g2 defines it thus:

Flaming means posting something that's angry and mean-spirited - the online equivalent of flying off the handle.
... whereas, according to the Jargon Dictionary, the term 'flaming' originates at MIT1 from the phrase 'flaming a.....e'. The definition of 'flame' on this site goes on to define flaming in the following four ways:

To post an email message intended to insult and provoke.

To speak incessantly and/or rabidly on some relatively uninteresting subject or with a patently ridiculous attitude.

Either of senses 1 or 2, directed with hostility at a particular person or people.

(n) An instance of flaming. When a discussion degenerates into useless controversy, one might tell the participants 'Now you're just flaming' or 'Stop all that flamage!' to try to get them to cool down (so to speak).

Interestingly, the Jargon Dictionary also goes on to speculate:

It is possible that the hackish sense of 'flame' is much older than that. The poet Chaucer was also what passed for a wizard hacker in his time; he wrote a treatise on the astrolabe, the most advanced computing device of the day. In Chaucer's Troilus and Cressida, Cressida laments her inability to grasp the proof of a particular mathematical theorem; her uncle Pandarus then observes that it's called 'the fleminge of wrecches'. This phrase seems to have been intended in context as 'that which puts the wretches to flight' but was probably just as ambiguous in Middle English as 'the flaming of wretches' would be today. One suspects that Chaucer would feel right at home on Usenet.
Trolling

For many years, Usenet was the dominant form of online communication. It defined 'trolling' in three ways:

... a posting designed to attract predictable responses or 'flames'; or, the post itself. Derives from the phrase 'trolling for newbies' which in turn comes from mainstream 'trolling', a style of fishing in which one trails bait through a likely spot hoping for a bite. The well-constructed troll is a post that induces lots of newbies and flamers to make themselves look even more clueless than they already do, while subtly conveying to the more savvy and experienced that it is in fact a deliberate troll. If you don't fall for the joke, you get to be in on it.
... an individual who chronically trolls in sense 1; regularly posts specious arguments, flames or personal attacks to a newsgroup, discussion list, or in email for no other purpose than to annoy someone or disrupt a discussion. Trolls are recognisable by the fact that the have no real interest in learning about the topic at hand - they simply want to utter flame-bait. Like the ugly creatures they are named after, they exhibit no redeeming characteristics, and as such, they are recognized as a lower form of life on the net, as in, 'Oh, ignore him, he's just a troll.'
... [Berkeley] Computer lab monitor. A popular campus job for C[omputer] S[tudies] students. Duties include helping newbies and ensuring that lab policies are followed. Probably so-called because it involves lurking in dark, cave-like corners.
Trolling is generally recognised as being an occupation rather than an occurrence, ie while people can (and do) flame for the sake of flaming, flaming can often simply be a manifestation of someone's overreaction to something someone else said. It is for this reason that while flaming is, almost without exception, frowned upon, trolling is more looked upon with scorn than its erstwhile counterpart. The website Slashdot.org, mentioned above, even goes so far as to have a method of forum moderation which allows postings to be classified as 'troll' (as well as such other labels as 'interesting', 'funny', and 'irrelevant'). Users who troll in situations like this generally troll for bait, as mentioned in the definition above.

Reasons for Flaming/Trolling

The troll has but one purpose, to inflame the people who read it and draw them into an argument, and as such is a deliberate attempt to provoke. Aside from sheer immaturity, there are many reasons for the flame, such as:

Ranting

Most people feel the need to have a good rant or vent at someone, usually after frustration at lack of service, an unsatisfactory experience or just general bad mood. It is not unheard of for pupils to anonymously flame their teachers. Most people feel the need to have a good rant at some point, but usually restrict their outburst to friends, family or even a diary.

Complaint

Unsatisfactory service, poor customer care, lack of information, or late delivery of a product can all result in a flame to the company. Most are simply complaints with 'colourful metaphors', but some are plainly abusive, and many companies operate a zero tolerance on this, even in emails, and will ignore/delete the message.

It should be noted that abusive comments do not make companies want to deal with them any faster. Customer advisors will sometimes deliberately 'misdirect' the customer's comments to the wrong department, although most reputable companies do deal with complaints correctly. On the contrary, a polite, professional, and pointed phone manner works wonders with first-level agents (the staff who initially ask phonecalls), and their supervisors. It isn't unheard of for a canny customer to have him/herself escalated to second-level employees (who are generally better equipped to handle queries) by a supervisor, or even the third level (in IT, generally the staff who designed the product or have something to do with the development team).

Insult

Many flames are just insulting emails or messages. Usually the person sending the flame had little reason for flaming, it may even be as trivial as a long delay for an answer they need.

The insult can be a joke between friends, such as:

Hey donkey brains! Fancy a pint tonight?
But even this can get out of hand. As the recipient has no emotional clues to go by (tone of voice, slight smile, etc), the flame can be misinterpreted as a genuine insult. Emoticons or 'Smileys' can help (a smiley face to denote humour or a 'winkeye' smiley - - to denote irony or playful malevolence both work wonders). However, these are not foolproof - many people dislike the use of emoticons as they are sometimes used to mask genuinely unpleasant comments with pretences of friendliness.

Challenge

Few pleasures in life are greater than a lively, cordial debate and a troll can often get one going. More scathing trolls, however, are likely to provoke a so-called domain (or site) war. These have a tendency to get seriously out-of-hand and drag everyone in, as sooner or later everyone has an online friend who has been insulted, flamed and/or trolled.

Generally, a flame or troll is an unpleasant (intentional or not - though usually intentional) message which lambastes the recipient.

Accident

The worst flame of all. This is one that the sender never meant to direct at the recipient. It is usually either an email sent to a friend that is accidentally sent to the wrong person (or every person, using the 'Send All' or 'Reply All' button accidentally) or is passed on from the recipient to someone else.

Offices are the usual location of this faux pas. Usually someone complains about their boss to a friend via email, but accidentally sends it to the whole office, or the friend passes it on until it reaches the boss. It demonstrates the dangers of email, as many people send off a message while still angry, without thinking. The best advice on this is; never send anything via email that you wouldn't shout across a crowded room.

How To Deal With A Flame or Troll

Choosing how to deal with a flame can be a difficult choice. The wrong one can lead to further flames, insults and even exclusion.

Ignore It

Usually the best method, but not always appropriate for flames. Public (newsgroup/forum) flaming needs some sort of response, even if it's just a friendly request to tone the language down. Moderators will normally do this, either through regular monitoring, or through a reporting service.

Ignoring a troll is almost always the best policy. Since no-one rises to the bait, the troller will get bored and go away. Users in newsgroups and forums frequented by trolls often swiftly append to any such thread (or in reply to a baiting message) a warning like: 'Do not feed the troll'. Some online communities have measures in place to deal with offensive and ill-spirited content, such as Userfriendly.org, which deletes inappropriate messages. Other sites have moderation or complaints buttons in place in order to deal with inappropriate content, whereas, as mentioned previously, the technology news site Slashdot.org has a system in place for randomly-nominated users to rate messages, either through votes out of five or by character - including 'troll'. The default forum view in slashdot.org excludes messages with ratings beneath a certain level (ie, messages that have received a handful of 'moderator points' from randomly-nominated moderators).

Respond Rationally

Also quite a good method, and one that has the advantage of making the flamer look irrational and testy, is to respond to any baiting calmly and rationally. However a troll can be a direct challenge to your authority. They are difficult to ignore, although a reference to an earlier posting that answers all or most of the troll's points can be a good defuser.

Flame Back

A bad idea generally is to return fire. It never accomplishes anything except to leave a lasting record of your own suitability for trolling and a general bad atmosphere on the forum2. Flaming back almost always only serves to provoke the flamer, as most people love a good argument.

Explanation

It is always useful if you can remain calm, although this is not easy in all situations. Reply to the flamer, indicating that the flamer has misunderstood what you were saying, and offering a re-explanation of your comments. Particularly on forums, it has the advantage of making the flamer look irrational, that they have 'flown off the handle' without checking facts first. This also works quite well with trolls.