WARNING may be a bit rude but i couldnt stop laughing
Bruce calls into see his mate Robbo who has a broken leg. Robbo says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No worries," Bruce says, and he runs upstairs and there are Robbo's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"G'day girls, your Dad sent me up here to root ya both."
"F%*# off ya liar!".
"I'll prove it," Bruce says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Robbo?"
"Of course ya idiot, , what's the use of f%*#in' one?"
Re: JOKES
#2On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Edit: I thought the pic was R13. Sorry about that.
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Edit: I thought the pic was R13. Sorry about that.
Re: JOKES
#6A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
BLOKE: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
BLOKE: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
BLOKE: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up. The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
BLOKE: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
BLOKE: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
BLOKE: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up. The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Re: JOKES
#7Sorry feel like im ruining this by not posting a joke 
But you are Australian Arshalo right?
Cause I just realised your grammar is really similar to Scottish grammar, I imagine its a form of slang though, similar to ours
Either that or that joke was from a Scottish guy
But G'day sorta threw me a bit 
But you are Australian Arshalo right?
Cause I just realised your grammar is really similar to Scottish grammar, I imagine its a form of slang though, similar to ours
Either that or that joke was from a Scottish guy
But G'day sorta threw me a bit Re: JOKES
#8Fluffian likes ;3
POST DELETED. This is not a PG16 board. This site allows all ages (under 13 with parents consent). Keep it clean. M'kay, Oh Fluffy One? -Slash
POST DELETED. This is not a PG16 board. This site allows all ages (under 13 with parents consent). Keep it clean. M'kay, Oh Fluffy One? -Slash
Dafluffeh, Leader of the fluffeh peoples, and leader of the United defence of Leporids.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
When in doubt, empty the magazine ^^
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
When in doubt, empty the magazine ^^
Always knew you'd get busted for something like that. 