Jokes
Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 10:01 pm
Just a few jokes I've gather from a way back. Hope you guys enjoy. Please post some you think are funny. :thumb: 
:p
==========
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
===========
===========
Signature
"sir, were surrounded!"
"excellent, now we can attack in any direction"
"sir, they outnumber us 10 to 1!"
"Excellent, that means that its easier to aim!"
"Sir, theres 2 scouts from the enemy!"
"excellent! wait till their right in line so i can kill 2 soldiers with 1 bullet!"
"Sir, its just 2 of us left!"
"Excellent! That means we get all the glory!"
"sir, we have bow and arrows-they have tanks!"
"excellent! We get to steal their tanks!"
"Sir, were under attack!"
"excellent!, we get to hide and shoot while they run in the open and get shot!"
================
================
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
================
================
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
================
================
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
================
================
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
================
================
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
================
================
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
================
================
A blonde sits next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. After several minutes of arguing with her, he says you give me $5 for every question you cant answer and I'll give you $50 for every question i cant answer. The lawyer figured he couldn't lose and the blonde accepted.
The lawyer proceeded to ask his first question, "What's the distance between the earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked her question, "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"
The lawyer was searching his laptop for hours and calling everyone he knows to find the answer. Finally he gave up and handed the blonde $50.
After the plane landed, he decided to ask her the answer to her question.
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5
==================
==================
*(This one I had to type.)*
"John's To Don't List"
"Everything on this list I've been told off about,and done, its all genuine over the last year since 14/10/06."
John is not allowed to take pictures of customers deformities,
John is not allowed to drink buffsole - even if it tastes nice,
After breaking something on a car, its not company policy to walk off whistling,
Yamah is not a zombie,
John is not allowed to "nat-nat, nah-nahhh, nat-nah-nahhh" through his entire 15 minute minute break ever again,
John is not allowed to teach Craig his ways,
John is not allowed to use a HB pencil and spray bottle to fend off cheesemongers and evil spirits,
Richard (assy Manager) is not a cheesemonger or evil spirit,
John is not allowed to glue radios to the work wall,
John is not allowed to glue radios to any wall,
John is not allowed to glue anything to anything,
John is not allowed to use glue,
John is not allowed to play with dead animals,
John is not allowed to play with dead things,
John is not allowed to play with spiders - threatening people with arachnophobia is not allowed,
John is not allowed to make work colleagues convulse,
John is not allowed to open "things" with cars/ramps,
John is not allowed to use sticks to make others do his jobs,
John is not allowed to blame it on the boogey,
John is not allowed to lock people in or out of things,
A 3-up piggy-back is a bad idea,
A 4-up piggy-back is not allowed,
John is not allowed to interfere with piggy-backs,
The boss (Kirean) is not a plaything,
"The customer is always right" is not bullocks,
John is not allowed to comment on maseratis ever again,
John is not allowed to experiment with the heaters & food ever again,
John is not allowed to get the staff fired,
..............
John is not allowed to tipp-ex anything off of this list to re-offend,
John is not allowed to hide in the cupboards to avoid the worse jobs,
John is not allowed to hide,
John is not allowed to mock the french (Ed from the front end),
John is not allowed to mock Ed,
John is not allowed to mock,
Louis is not an evil shadow,
Yamah is not a robot,
John is not allowed to run away if he's asked a question,
John is not allowed to tire-bowl at work colleagues,
John is not allowed to curse the staff with magick,
John is not allowed to wheelie the the carpark,
John is not allowed to call Dan captain syphillis in front of customers,
John is not allowed to answer the work phone with "Goooooooooooog morning Vietnam!",
John is not allowed to remove other work colleagues trousers,
John is never allowed to use bungee cords ever again,
John is not allowed to stick product/custom stickers to colleagues backs,
John is not allowed to stick product/custom stickers to Ryans hat,
John is not allowed to use stickers,
John is not allowed to operate the radio with hammers,
John is not allowed to operate radios with mallets,
John is not allowed to operate the radio,
John is not allowed to pay others to do his bidding,
John is not allowed to poke "clay woman",
John is not allowed to purchase children,
John is not allowed to makeup positions - uber manager gold star does not exist,
John has to now only speak english,
No work equipment is edible,
John is not allowed to talk to the head of office staff EVER again,
Fire is not cool,
A little bit of death has hurt people, & John shouldn't say otherwise,
John is not allowed to call customers fat,
It is not standard practice to worship coffee,
The sink is not a toilet,
John does not own super powers,
John is not allowed to experiment with anything, ever again,
John is not Sparticus,
John is not allowed to sign work papers out with A.Hitler,
John is not James Bond,
Yamah is not a member of the undead,
Flamethrowers are not a good idea,
John is not allowed to "just think" safety,
John is not allowed to use the 'bead booster' as a cannon,
John is not Russain,
John is not allowed to call John a wanker,
John is not allowed to call staff a wanker,
John is not allowed to use the word wanker,
Today's 'to don't list', is not tomorrow's 'to do list',
John is not Jesus,
John is not allowed to call management mom,
John is not John's evil twin,
John is STILL not allowed to use glue,
The clothes John wears when starting work, must stay on through the whole day,
John is not allowed to wear a skirt ever again,
John is never allowed to show customers his nipple ever again,
John is not allowed to call all Chinese people Bruce,
John is not allowed to call all asians Raj,
John is not allowed to tamper with the "to don't" list,
John is not allowed to scream in the toilet,
John is not allowed to prank with the work's phone,
John is not allowed to prank the work's phone,
John is not allowed to order anything non work related with the works phone,
Take-aways & lap-dancers are not work related - no matter how much he argues,
john is not allowed to use the drill to get to talk to people in the toilet,
John is not allowed to use the nail gun ever again,
John is not allowed to use spray paint ever again,
John is not allowed to purchase souls to sell on Ebay during work,
John is not allowed to adjust the work's clock to "time travel",
John is not allowed to sexually molest any work equipment ever again - no matter how good it feels,
John is not allowed to use "found" vibrators as microphones,
John is not allowed to use "found" vibrators to sword fight,
John is not allowed to use the security radio ever again,
John is not allowed to tell police his boss is a terrorist,
John is not allowed to booby-trap anything evr again,
In a write-up, when asked if he has anything to say, a story about the 3 musketeers is not the best defense,
Piglet is not a nobber,
Oxy-acetaline is not a toy,
John is not allowed to turn up car radios to "test" the owners hearts,
There was no family bar-b-q,
The company's computer is not a cricket bat,
john is not allowed to tell customers their cars are "budget",
The work cameras for recording damage to customer's cars, is not to be 'mis-used' by taking photos of John,
John is not allowed to revenge-prank ever again,
Ryan's name is Ryan, not victim,
John is not allowed to play Bruiseball in the workshop,
John is NEVER allowed to make religion-related comments ever again - even if its bullocks,
John is not allowed to move the ladder if someone is on the roof,
The heater although it can, should not be used as a bar-b-q,
John is not allowed to heat tools up on the heater & then leave them laying around the work place,
John is not allowed to decant tabasco sauce into anyone's drink ever again,
John is not allowed to touch tabasco sauce ever again,
John is not allowed to reenact things he has seen on television,
John is not allowed to replace the information videos with 70's porno's,
John is never to be left alone with post-it notes ever again,
John is not allowed to turn off the customer's toilet light from the outside the customer's toilet ever again,
If John grins for more than 15 seconds, its not allowed,
If John says, "lookie what I did" it goes on the "to don't" list....
...to be continued....
:p ==========
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
===========
===========
Signature
"sir, were surrounded!"
"excellent, now we can attack in any direction"
"sir, they outnumber us 10 to 1!"
"Excellent, that means that its easier to aim!"
"Sir, theres 2 scouts from the enemy!"
"excellent! wait till their right in line so i can kill 2 soldiers with 1 bullet!"
"Sir, its just 2 of us left!"
"Excellent! That means we get all the glory!"
"sir, we have bow and arrows-they have tanks!"
"excellent! We get to steal their tanks!"
"Sir, were under attack!"
"excellent!, we get to hide and shoot while they run in the open and get shot!"
================
================
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
================
================
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
================
================
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
================
================
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
================
================
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
================
================
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
================
================
A blonde sits next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. After several minutes of arguing with her, he says you give me $5 for every question you cant answer and I'll give you $50 for every question i cant answer. The lawyer figured he couldn't lose and the blonde accepted.
The lawyer proceeded to ask his first question, "What's the distance between the earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked her question, "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"
The lawyer was searching his laptop for hours and calling everyone he knows to find the answer. Finally he gave up and handed the blonde $50.
After the plane landed, he decided to ask her the answer to her question.
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5
==================
==================
*(This one I had to type.)*
"John's To Don't List"
"Everything on this list I've been told off about,and done, its all genuine over the last year since 14/10/06."
John is not allowed to take pictures of customers deformities,
John is not allowed to drink buffsole - even if it tastes nice,
After breaking something on a car, its not company policy to walk off whistling,
Yamah is not a zombie,
John is not allowed to "nat-nat, nah-nahhh, nat-nah-nahhh" through his entire 15 minute minute break ever again,
John is not allowed to teach Craig his ways,
John is not allowed to use a HB pencil and spray bottle to fend off cheesemongers and evil spirits,
Richard (assy Manager) is not a cheesemonger or evil spirit,
John is not allowed to glue radios to the work wall,
John is not allowed to glue radios to any wall,
John is not allowed to glue anything to anything,
John is not allowed to use glue,
John is not allowed to play with dead animals,
John is not allowed to play with dead things,
John is not allowed to play with spiders - threatening people with arachnophobia is not allowed,
John is not allowed to make work colleagues convulse,
John is not allowed to open "things" with cars/ramps,
John is not allowed to use sticks to make others do his jobs,
John is not allowed to blame it on the boogey,
John is not allowed to lock people in or out of things,
A 3-up piggy-back is a bad idea,
A 4-up piggy-back is not allowed,
John is not allowed to interfere with piggy-backs,
The boss (Kirean) is not a plaything,
"The customer is always right" is not bullocks,
John is not allowed to comment on maseratis ever again,
John is not allowed to experiment with the heaters & food ever again,
John is not allowed to get the staff fired,
..............
John is not allowed to tipp-ex anything off of this list to re-offend,
John is not allowed to hide in the cupboards to avoid the worse jobs,
John is not allowed to hide,
John is not allowed to mock the french (Ed from the front end),
John is not allowed to mock Ed,
John is not allowed to mock,
Louis is not an evil shadow,
Yamah is not a robot,
John is not allowed to run away if he's asked a question,
John is not allowed to tire-bowl at work colleagues,
John is not allowed to curse the staff with magick,
John is not allowed to wheelie the the carpark,
John is not allowed to call Dan captain syphillis in front of customers,
John is not allowed to answer the work phone with "Goooooooooooog morning Vietnam!",
John is not allowed to remove other work colleagues trousers,
John is never allowed to use bungee cords ever again,
John is not allowed to stick product/custom stickers to colleagues backs,
John is not allowed to stick product/custom stickers to Ryans hat,
John is not allowed to use stickers,
John is not allowed to operate the radio with hammers,
John is not allowed to operate radios with mallets,
John is not allowed to operate the radio,
John is not allowed to pay others to do his bidding,
John is not allowed to poke "clay woman",
John is not allowed to purchase children,
John is not allowed to makeup positions - uber manager gold star does not exist,
John has to now only speak english,
No work equipment is edible,
John is not allowed to talk to the head of office staff EVER again,
Fire is not cool,
A little bit of death has hurt people, & John shouldn't say otherwise,
John is not allowed to call customers fat,
It is not standard practice to worship coffee,
The sink is not a toilet,
John does not own super powers,
John is not allowed to experiment with anything, ever again,
John is not Sparticus,
John is not allowed to sign work papers out with A.Hitler,
John is not James Bond,
Yamah is not a member of the undead,
Flamethrowers are not a good idea,
John is not allowed to "just think" safety,
John is not allowed to use the 'bead booster' as a cannon,
John is not Russain,
John is not allowed to call John a wanker,
John is not allowed to call staff a wanker,
John is not allowed to use the word wanker,
Today's 'to don't list', is not tomorrow's 'to do list',
John is not Jesus,
John is not allowed to call management mom,
John is not John's evil twin,
John is STILL not allowed to use glue,
The clothes John wears when starting work, must stay on through the whole day,
John is not allowed to wear a skirt ever again,
John is never allowed to show customers his nipple ever again,
John is not allowed to call all Chinese people Bruce,
John is not allowed to call all asians Raj,
John is not allowed to tamper with the "to don't" list,
John is not allowed to scream in the toilet,
John is not allowed to prank with the work's phone,
John is not allowed to prank the work's phone,
John is not allowed to order anything non work related with the works phone,
Take-aways & lap-dancers are not work related - no matter how much he argues,
john is not allowed to use the drill to get to talk to people in the toilet,
John is not allowed to use the nail gun ever again,
John is not allowed to use spray paint ever again,
John is not allowed to purchase souls to sell on Ebay during work,
John is not allowed to adjust the work's clock to "time travel",
John is not allowed to sexually molest any work equipment ever again - no matter how good it feels,
John is not allowed to use "found" vibrators as microphones,
John is not allowed to use "found" vibrators to sword fight,
John is not allowed to use the security radio ever again,
John is not allowed to tell police his boss is a terrorist,
John is not allowed to booby-trap anything evr again,
In a write-up, when asked if he has anything to say, a story about the 3 musketeers is not the best defense,
Piglet is not a nobber,
Oxy-acetaline is not a toy,
John is not allowed to turn up car radios to "test" the owners hearts,
There was no family bar-b-q,
The company's computer is not a cricket bat,
john is not allowed to tell customers their cars are "budget",
The work cameras for recording damage to customer's cars, is not to be 'mis-used' by taking photos of John,
John is not allowed to revenge-prank ever again,
Ryan's name is Ryan, not victim,
John is not allowed to play Bruiseball in the workshop,
John is NEVER allowed to make religion-related comments ever again - even if its bullocks,
John is not allowed to move the ladder if someone is on the roof,
The heater although it can, should not be used as a bar-b-q,
John is not allowed to heat tools up on the heater & then leave them laying around the work place,
John is not allowed to decant tabasco sauce into anyone's drink ever again,
John is not allowed to touch tabasco sauce ever again,
John is not allowed to reenact things he has seen on television,
John is not allowed to replace the information videos with 70's porno's,
John is never to be left alone with post-it notes ever again,
John is not allowed to turn off the customer's toilet light from the outside the customer's toilet ever again,
If John grins for more than 15 seconds, its not allowed,
If John says, "lookie what I did" it goes on the "to don't" list....
...to be continued....