correct, the next poster openss bags of chips by sitting on them.

Correct, although they cannot be considered chips after that nightmarish experience.

"Eek! A planet sized asteroid has entered our atmosphere!" exclaims Chip1.
"No, it's ok; that's just a giant human arse," replies Chip2.
Crunch.

The Next Poster is my secret admirer.

incorrect, i am the secret admirer of weresloth, the next poster eats vegemite every meal.

If by vegemite you mean human flesh, then yes.

The next poster wants to be a clown when he or she grows up.

incorrct cannibal, the next poster drinks water with a funnel.

Correct, I am a car and thus drink most liquids this way.

The next poster will be me.

Holy crabcakes in a bathtub, Batman! You must be psychic.

The Next Poster has at least once in their life shaken hands with another human.

So genius of you Mister arse kicker... sheeesh...

Next poster is the silliest guy this forums has seen.

Probs.

The next poster enjoys being a cannibal

I didn't try it yet !

The next poster can't live without his/her pants !